Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
