So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
