found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
