I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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