Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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