At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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