I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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