I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
