One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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