please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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