So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
