literally had 100 drinks last night.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
