If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
