i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize