That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
