i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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