Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
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