just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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