Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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