I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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