I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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