you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You pole danced in your parka.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize