I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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