At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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