I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize