You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize