He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
They took my balls.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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