I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Pooping to opera.
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