I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
