i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
