I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
