I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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