Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
