I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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