i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
