Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
