Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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