We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
