we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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