im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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