saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
