I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
