Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
