my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
