is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
