I could make wine with my vomit
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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