I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
