Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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