You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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