Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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