WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
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