She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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