I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
