I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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