ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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