She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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