True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
