My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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