i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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