Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
