Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize