I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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