life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
