Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize