Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
