when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
